Eurovision!

First things first: I proper love Eurovision. Yes, the songs are generally worse than awful. Yes, the styling usually owes a little too much to 911. But you know, occasionally Eurovision can throw up some gems – like this brilliant Sebastian Tellier performance, or this jolly good Steps-meets-Abba effort from Charlotte Nilsson. So, what can we expect from this year’s contest?

First up, for the first time in Eurovision history, the winning act is returning to defend their crown. As a cruel reminder, Lena won last year with this horrible little Kate Nash-aping ditty. Here is her new hope, Taken by a Stranger (which is actually about a kidnapping!):

It is certainly a lot more contemporary than some of the other entries (see below), but it doesn’t really go anywhere – it’s Eurovision for crying out loud, where are the hooks? And my God is her voice grating. Deux points.

But Lena isn’t the only previous winner returning to the Eurovision stage this year, oh no. Brace yourselves, the diva herself, Ms Dana International is BACK! You’re pretty high right now, right? Well, sorry to do this to you, but take a look/listen...

That vocal... :(

Moving on, Russia aim to woo you with this RedOne penned (he wrote Bad Romance) tripe from Aleksey Vorobyov. The less said the better, but special mention must go to the moves in the final minute.

Un points from me, but sadly that is bound to finish in the top 5.

Cher Lloyd is representing Armenia this year, with this lovely slice of disco-tinted nonsense:

(No, of course it isn’t Cher Lloyd, it is the charming Emmy). (Six points).

I’ve been putting this off, but I suppose I’ve got to do it. The UK, the arrogant, self-entitled, laughing-stock of Europe, are attempting to turn around their pathetic-of-late Eurovision fortunes by sending an established act for the first time since Katrina and the Waves. Leona Lewis, you say? Tinie Tempah, you pray? Why no! Blue, of course. Blue. BLUE! Here goes:

It won’t surprise you to know that the Blue twats wrote that themselves. Nil points.

And finally (for now – come back tomorrow for a Nordic round-up, and keep coming for further updates), this brilliant effort from Hungary’s Kati Wolf. Seriously, this is what Eurovision is all about. It’s a powerful, multi-lingual dancefloor “banger”, complete with nods in both the track and the video to Celine Dion, Madonna, Whitney Houston and virtually any other diva you can think of. Incredible stuff.

Douze points!